Back to the Salt Mines

So I went back to work today. I didn't know if I would be like a lot of moms who cry in the car after they drop their kids of at daycare for the first time, and it turns out I wasn't. I felt ok leaving Holly in the hands of the care provider we selected, and gave her a big hug and lots of kisses on my way out the door. We had done a trial run for a few hours last week and everything went fine so I wasn't worried about a major meltdown. I think I was also excited to go back to work and see all of my old coworkers again, if nothing else than for the novelty of the first real grownup day in the past four months. It was nice, in a way, to be back at work. I couldn't log into my computer so I spent most of the day visiting with old friends and catching up on the latest work status/gossip. It touched my heart to be welcomed back so warmly by everyone from teammates to janitors to the lunch lady.

Since I did the drop off this morning, Steve picked our little girl up from daycare just before five; I joined the family at home an hour later. I was so full of anticipation to have her crack that huge grin of hers when she saw me after the long day. I ran upstairs to our bedroom, threw down my things, leaned over her where she was laying on the bed and.....

...I swear to god she didn't even know who I was. She didn't look at me. She was smiling at daddy but I couldn't get her to make eye contact with me. I picked her up and cuddled her and she seemed wholly ambivalent. I even took her to the mirror which always earns a huge smile and a squeal when she sees my reflection, but this time she looked at the poster on the wall, the light fixture; anywhere but at me. And in that moment I understood the motive of every parent with a guilt complex who tried to buy their child's love. I felt a panicky desperation at having been unseated as "#1 coolest person in the universe" and I wanted to do anything to go back to the way things were.

In other words it broke my heart. After a full day of having our baby in daycare I finally felt the tears welling up in my eyes. Then after only being home for 45 minutes it was already time to put her to bed. Not to mention the fact that she reeks of nasty formula. This fucking sucks.

I'm going to chalk her behavior up a bewildering first day in a strange new place with strange new people and just hope that things will get better as it becomes routine. Mom's get paid in smiles. I can't loose that.