Thank you sir! May I have another?

While I was perusing the headlines at lunch I came across yet another quote about how Katie (excuse me, I mean 'Kate') Holmes thinks that "Tom is just the best-est man in the whole wide world", and how he is coaching her in the ways of Scientology. Just for fun I decided to go to the Church of Scientology website and see just what exactly they do to these otherwise normal people. What are the bizarre rituals? What are their philosophies? What's the point? According to the website, Scientology is just the best-est religion in the whole wide world and it will make you happy and bring world peace. I guess you have to go to the church to find out exactly how to obtain these wonderful ideals. Lucky for me I found something just as good and even closer than Malibu: an on-line personality evaluation test! First they want every scrap of personal information they can squeeze out of you (hello, my name is Q from Alaska) and then you have to answer 200 multiple choice questions. Here are some of my favorites:

* Are you a slow eater? (yes)

* Would you use corporal punishment on a child aged ten if it refused to obey you? (sure, if "it" was my kid)

* Do you get muscle twitches for no logical reason? (sometimes, but I'm sure there is a logical reason)

* Do you ever get disturbed by the noise of the wind or a “house settling down”? (if I'm home alone)

* Provided the distance were not too great, would you still prefer to ride rather than walk? (no)

* Do you chew your fingernails? (yes)

* When recounting some amusing incident can you easily imitate the mannerisms or the dialect in the original incident? (Does this mean, would I fit in with all the other actors?)

* Are you opposed to the “probation system” for criminals? (I guess not)


According to the personality test I am in serious need of some therapy, Scientology-style.

Good news: I'm stable, certain, active, and aggressive (I guess agressive is a good thing)

Bad news: I'm nervous, irresponsible, critical, withdrawn, and have a lack of accord. Save me L. Ron Hubbard!!