The Cry Legend

It's true what they say, that you can decipher the subtle differences in your child's crying to understand what they are trying to tell you long before they learn to talk.  Here is what I have learned so far.

1. The "I just gashed my face because mommy sharpened my talons instead of trimming them" Cry. Recognized by an ear splitting wail out of the blue and a bloody scratch on the cheek.
2. The "Soundless Puppy Dog Eyes that proceed a complete stomach purge".  No actual crying involved, but a pathetic, plaintive look just as an ungodly amount of curdled milk comes pouring out of you baby's mouth and nose..all over her...all over you...all over the kitchen floor.  Seriously, how did that all fit in her stomach?
3. The "I don't care that you're driving FEED ME NOOOOOOOOOW!!1!" Cry.  Recognized by frantic, inconsolable wailing from the back seat that makes you feel like the worst freaking mother ever.  Because oh, you just had to get bagels from across town, didn't you. 
4. The "omg....omg I'm alone why am I alone OMFG!" Cry.  Starts out with a hesitant whimper and gradually becomes more and more desperate.  Usually heard while you are in the bathroom or while you are up to your elbows in pie dough.
5. The "My intestines are inflated like balloon animals" Cry.  This starts out as a frantic flailing of all four limbs in every imaginable direction while grunting out "Eh.....Eh.....Eh....WHAAAA!!!".  Internal accompaniment is a sound like percolating coffee and then wicked man-toots.  
6. Lastly my personal favorite, The "Ow ow ow something is hurting me, mommy make it stop" Cry.  Dude.  Figure it out.